My mother's journal: from a decade ago and this evening

My mother's journal: from a decade ago and this evening

Today, I coincidentally opened my mom's journal I gave her last week. 

"After ages, I write down in my journal my daughter gave me as a gift.

It's been a while to take enough rest on the weekend like a "weekend", lazing around. 

I feel like being charged. For dinner, my daughter, the three of us all went to the "숯갈비" restaurant and had galbi and pig skin, spending a fulfilling evening. 

Attaching bubble pads on Hani's room windows together, feeling the sound of laughter echoing, 

I feel very, very happy at this moment." 

The second I read it all, until the part "너무 너무 행복하다", my eyes, eyebrows, and throat all collapsed into crying hard. Then I immediately came up with the time I read my mom's notebook when I was a high school student. 

Back then, I was at my mom's office and accidentally opened her notebook. 

It was filled with the list she recorded for a legal purpose about all the abusive cases she suffered from the guy. 

the date

the location

the situations she went through.

in a very objective, descriptive way. 

being stalked, humiliated, and threatened in public and private

chocked in the car by the ocean

hit and had one tooth out 

got an abortion by kneeling to beg the doctor

slapped in the night on the street when the policemen were watching

.

.

.

At that moment, all the feelings and emotions of fear, frustration, anxiety, anger, sorrow, and all crazy, unbearable, and indescribable force left me with a deep scar, and I held a cutter knife to hurt my finger. 

But today, what I felt was the opposite.

About 10 years ago, I froze. 

Tonight, I burst into tears out of reassurance, gratitude, happiness, and blessings. 

Even though the heavy hidden memory popped up, I no longer felt affected by that but rather intensively felt how much love, peace, and stability I have from my mom and this family. 

I felt guilty about not expressing and appreciating what I have now. 

Not answering back to my mom with a kinder voice. 

Taking her advice and worries as a hassle.

Making jokes rather than giving hugs.

Just all the moments I did not notice and cherish fully when it was evident that it wouldn't last forever and I would leave soon. 

By coincidence, I was just writing my bliss list before dinner today.

I noticed I was easily writing down over thirty things that were not extraordinary but blissful.

Several included the feeling of being at home with my mom, my family. 

I am re-learning my identity, my right, my potential, and my privilege this year immensely.

My identity that I am an educator who has a vivid vision of making marginalized students around the world feel safe and empowered to become global change agents through intra/outer humanization.

My right to protect myself from toxic people, to express my own feelings and thoughts freely, and to relish what I am given as grace. 

My potential to grow as a mature person in relationships and careers, to pursue higher education, and to dream more ambitiously and internationally. 

My privilege to have my mother, father, and grandmother who support my happiness more than any other, believe in my dreams with excitement and love me unconditionally from the beginning to now and beyond. 

My life and my mother's life are being written differently from her diary a decade ago. 

We are fully peaceful and blissful by the mundane peace and goofy laughter we share together. 

We deserve to be in the present, not being anxious or guilty over anything. 

I prayed to God to give me strength to express my love and gratitude toward her through softer words, frequent hugs, and honest expressions of admiration. So that I do not regret later. To my stepfather too. 

Ah, this is such a positively odd day. 

Full of emotions.

With my red eyes. 

Re-digested past and re-written present memories.

Most of all, gratitude... Full of gratitude.

This is the very moment that I feel I can do anything upcoming in my future for my ambitions as an educator and for my affection toward family. 

This is the right moment I free myself from the fear of unpredictability and the burdens of old wounds.

I pray and make a determination 

may my mother's journal overflow with so much gratitude for peace and love from everything and everyone she deserves.

I can easily picture and feel my mom counting the days left she has to have with me feeling regretful and wistful for each day and night, trying even more to understand me more and make my wish come true, especially what I want to eat. 

But I have been counting the days left until I leave for the U.S. again, looking forward to what I will have over there, not considering the upcoming absence of my solid serenity under my mom's wings. 

From this evening, I will cherish each day and night with gratitude and effort to make the best out of what we have left.