Two Too Similar Souls

 Two Too Similar Souls

We were so much alike. 

Lengthy appreciation of nature and songs.

Childlike reactions and contemplative ruminations.

Taking care of others' feelings and thoughts.

But sometimes sacrificing one's own feelings over others without knowing.

 

Simultaneously longing for loving and being loved with fear and defenses. 

Slowly taking moves in delicate touches with giggles and gasps.

Slightly flattered by playful compliments and

significantly flattered by affectionate consolations.

Looking forward to hearing what one wants to hear 

with a myriad of tensions about hearing what one does not want to hear.

Mustering the courage to show one's feelings 

but with the core feelings undefined, uncovered, and undelivered. 

Believing in true connections and hope in dreams coming true,

being frustrated whenever one confronts non-readiness and inner childishness. 

Waiting for proof that it is the perfect circumstance to love somebody 

with a slight chance of getting hurt and abandoned 

even though one unconsciously knows it will never be perfect. 

Maybe two too similar souls were trying to spot the reasons not to fall in love with somebody

even if two souls already knew it had happened 

deceiving oneself that 'I am protecting myself for a safer present and better future.' 

when there is a present with dishonesty and a future with regrets.

Maybe two too similar souls already knew from the beginning 

that commonalities would bring us together tightly in short

that commonalities would take us apart abruptly in pain. 

Maybe two too similar souls were not willing to embrace and love one's own beauty and ugliness 

that have been continuously reflected in each other's words and actions.

Maybe when two too similar souls end up adoring one's own beauty and ugliness,

they will fall in love with each other in a fairly honest, solid, and fruitful way. 

But I wonder if the day will come before we are too late. 

Frightened by the fear of goodbyes when it does not feel good at all, 

I asked to be each other's pen pals

as I thought it would be not too hopeful or not too hopeless.

But you read my sadness in my silence.

The dessert you made for me meant more than its sweetness. 

It was a huge relief, warm consolation, and another anticipation. 

The thing was that the circumstance tested our vulnerability to the extreme.

We felt reckless and restless. 

Felt like I could not fight back and you did not want to fight back.

You needed confirmation about my affection.

I needed conviction about your determination.

Basically, we wanted to be special to each other

when unfortunately we were not brave enough to recover from the past 

that once made us feel the farthest from being special. 

So two too similar souls began to take each other lightly enough to forget and fall out of the possibility of love (or just love). 

Two souls numerously emphasized that communication matters the most.

But I have no clue if the conversations made me understand mutual feelings and thoughts.

At least for me, it was confusing when

you were talking about 

your hopes and fears

your gratitude and regrets

your anticipation and pessimism

at the same time.

And those ambivalent feelings of yours made me realize what I needed the most.

Conviction in me and us from somebody. 

Despite the circumstances that make it hard.

This is not just a hopeless romanticism.

This is about taking risks and actions to choose to love someone. 

In terms of the stance in mustering courage in circumstances,

were we so much alike in hesitancy?

Or were we so much different in willingness?

In this changed situation where I cannot muster the courage to ask you honest questions,

I leave my curiosity here. 

Have you felt happiness more than sadness because of me?

Have you ever hidden your true feelings, either good or bad?

Have you imagined our present and future together?

Have you ended up feeling discouraged and anxious after those imaginations?

Have you regretted what you felt, said, or did (not from what you already told me)?

Have you ever sensed the slight chance of falling and in love with each other?

Have you noticed how fragile, anxious, and reserved we still are in terms of love? 

Sorry that I pretended I didn't care about you.

Sorry that I lied I have someone else in my mind.

Sorry that I am still thinking of you and writing about you. 

send you a little prayer that one day we will have enough courage to love 

and little bird that will sing and rub your belly when you have a stomachache. 

Sincerely,

Hani