Questions bursting in my mind: before we meet after three years

Questions bursting in my mind: before we meet after three years

I never expected to still have these lingering feelings over what we had and lost.

Since the last three years, what would we have learned?

It seems that you've become stronger for your family and ambition.

But I would love to see your blissful smiles that made me feel like the strongest woman in the world. 

I have learned uncountable things in hard ways.

Most of all, I found out I have longed for true love just like the one between you and me with two major fears; having it but losing it or never being able to have it again. 

The first year was too hard to endure. 

My mind was full of you and us. 

The second year was pretty hard to forget you popping up in my mind despite the people I was with.

My mind used to be distracted when I missed the ways you showed your love to me. 

The third year has been quite liberating from being stuck in the past until I found the chance to meet you again.

Just like a masterpiece movie,

it always feels different in a deeper way 

and it always makes me laugh hard and cry hard, separately or simultaneously.

I'm seeing how much we were alike being in love and struggling to be out of love.

I'm hearing how much laughter of you and me sounds so fulfilling along with your glaring eyes and my big smiles. 

I'm learning how naive we were in believing in a never-ending love story despite all the hurdles ahead of us. 

 

But I also see your admiring qualities I wonder if you have still held. 

You were happily willing to be changed for and dedicated to my happiness.

You were boldly expressing all your sincere affection and vulnerability to me.

You were miraculously going through whole new emotions you've never experienced before; both joy and desperation. 

You were hopefully planning our future together with your dreams come true where I live.

If I had a handful of memories I could bring whenever I miss you to blame or hate you,

it would have been less long and painful to embrace what we missed.

But no matter how I try my best to think of any, 

I end up contemplating how special and sincere your love was.

I just discover more and more about how much I missed recognizing your love at the moment. 

We must both have been traumatized by what we lost in despair.

So I wonder if we would be able to even begin to love somebody the way we did. 

If we actually meet again after three years,

would we fall in love again or fall out of the remaining love or freak out and hide out of the shame that we are no longer that innocent and capable of loving someone so deeply?

I have replayed the imaginary scene of meeting you again at the airport thousands of times.

Would I run to you?

Would you hold me so tight?

Would we burst into tears?

Would we burst into awkward laughter?

Would we see each other as a whole new person or a strangely familiar person?

Where you promised to take me to the places you love, do the things you cherish and bring me the flowers and gemstones that are only in Chile,

would I remember your home as a welcoming land or a saddening grave?

Are we going to be able to open up to each other again with thorough waves of emotions?

Or are we going to act cool and swallow the words that we have held for the last three years?

Should I confess that I've never loved anyone since you left?

Should I confess that I am so afraid of not experiencing a truer love anymore for life? 

Should I ask you if she also made you so in love?

If so, can I ask you why you broke up despite that?

You no longer have the buck teeth I adored so bad. 

You have gained weight and muscles with less smiling mouth corners. 

You have got to know dozens of new friends you used to feel afraid of making. 

I have got hair bangs and my own style of outfits.

I have learned what guys can be obsessed about in me.

I have met guys who made me learn lessons rather than learn love.

Would we be more attractive to each other?

Would we be frozen over the familiar unfamiliarity?

Would we find more differences or our memories floating on our faces?

What if we ...

..