Do you keep an eye on me?

Do you keep an eye on me?

If there are chances to rate one to ten about how much I feel touched, loved, and impressed by what the person says to me,

I would rate 

"You are so pretty." one

"You look so hot." three

"You seem kind." four

"You are so sincere and genuine." six

"You are very passionate and inspiring." seven

"Are you okay? How do you feel? You should do ..." ten. Solid ten!

Why am I so biased to this kind of attention? 

And if a person doesn't care about my low points - health, mood, and wellness in general,

it puts me off significantly. 

How come I have this particular desire to be looked after by the people I like and adore...

When I was younger, 

I was mostly worried and tried hard to care for people's feelings. 

Reading rooms, being attentive to subtle emotions, and trying to please them. 

Then I was obsessed with the responsibility to suit myself to their needs and desires. 

In front of my father, I stayed silent as possible, as opposed to my loudly pounding heartbeats.

In front of my grandmother, I pretended to be calm even though she talked behind my mom in front of her friends. 

In front of my mother, I hid my problems and gave her all my ears and heart for her problems as she almost always seemed exhausted and depressed. 

I was pretty poor at noticing, naming, and navigating my emotions 

to prevent them from governing my identity, energy, and solidity. 

That is why I have grown up to be enormously moved by someone 

who can notice, name, and help me navigate my feelings

especially when I am under the weather or feel down

even though the person and I know that I can get over them by myself. 

I tend to behave like a baby particularly when I am unwell. 

Actually, it applies to all.

Love makes us to be a grown-up baby. 

And it works for me in the way I desire to feel cared for unnecessarily too much when I can and should actually look after myself. 

The most essential thing in feeling protected and loved is not up to the instant reaction of the person when I express my pain.

It depends on random check-ups, persistent orders about what to do, and tangible behaviors such as bringing medicine and dessert to me, taking me to a hospital, or giving a surprise small gift like a flower. 

Spending our time worrying about something, not about ourselves means a lot.

And expressions about those worries matter a lot more.

 

Worries, regrets, or nagging are all intertwined to love toward meaningful people. 

If the person doesn't matter, we never put our unnecessary effort or emotions. 

That is why "sweet words" are no longer sweet to me that much.

Of course, getting compliments about my appearance or charms can make my mood hyped up.

However, having someone's shoulder to rely on and cry on can make my day. 

Telling someone "you are pretty and attractive" would lead to behaviors of physical touch.

Telling someone "I'm worried about you and hope you get better" would lead to behaviors of service and sacrifice.

Now I wonder...

in this very second and for a long time,

Who would be pondering on me and keeping an eye on my health and happiness

with one's feelings and effort into me? 

More crucially, among them, who would have the courage and sincerity

to literally articulate what they feel and contemplate about me

with authentic actions to make me feel truly cared for?