Changes in the first half of 2023

 

Changes in the first half of 2023

In 2022,

 I was caught up with teaching jobs and preparations for 2023.

Working for two different schools, I sometimes had to commute for more than three hours a day. 

During the summer break, I attended the intensive summer course of the Korean Teaching Program at Korea University to apply for the Fulbright Foreign Language Teaching Assistant Program.

Submitting all the documentation including a language teaching lesson plan and 12-week culture lesson plans, I had to wait for other months after the interview, which I thought I kinda failed at. 

Thoughts bugging me after all those hectic journeys were whispering with what-ifs.

What if I don't pass the interview?

What if I waste all the time and effort I put into that?

What if all of my anticipations come to be demolished?

That fear drove me to take action of making alternative routes for 2023.

Long story short,

I contacted several language institutions in Prague.

Fortunately, I was able to pass the first two interviews but the manager I kept in touch with became ill and she couldn't process the job offering unlike what she promised.

 

I was disappointed and got scared.

However, I did not regret my choice because I fought for what I dreamt of tooth and nail.

The next alternative I thought of was going to Canada with a working holiday visa.

Luckily, I got the chance to apply for it as they select people randomly to allow designated numbers of people to have grants to apply. 

I went through the process without problems. 

However, as the visa was approved finally, I came to realize that I desperately want to grab the chance of being a Fulbrighter. 

That haunted me with the fear of disappointment.

In that phase, I learned that even though I get accepted, it doesn't mean that I am fully prepared for the opportunity. On the other hand, if I fail to be selected, it was already proved that I was competent to be the part of process of selection. Either way, I cannot control the result I would receive, so I only had one choice, embracement. 

Let alone the dull and protracted time of waiting for the firmly set plans for 2023,

several whirlpools swallowed me.

And after they came and went, they left me valuable stuff to hold and vacant space to fill with new stuff.

First, I used to be afraid of inactivity and stagnation.

A fully scheduled planner calmed me down.

Making the most of the time I have by working or studying at a cafe satisfied me.

Incessant interactions with people I care about and adore made me feel alive and rewarded.

However, I had to be stuck in a small town where I don't have any friends.

Working as a server, not a teacher, choked me so hard as it was not my thing. 

Being alone on weekends tended to bring me FOMO. 

Despite all the difficulties,

it has changed me eventually.

Having my own room to design and decorate all by myself for the first time,

I began to value me-time even without going to a cafe to work and read.

I fell in love with the prestige to listen to privately selected songs and do whatever I want to do, literally whatever! 

Reading, dancing, singing, planting, photoshopping, daydreaming, dreaming in the night, crying or laughing without anyone, and writing about my deeper thoughts and feelings to cherish.

I realized that I can be fully stable and satiated by being the one who knows me the most, do what I want always together, and listen to me more closely than any other person. 

Another change is related to my health.

In March, I got fired from the restaurant as he got worried about my schedule for my visa as I had to take days off sometimes. But mostly, he was such a gaslighting person who made me feel unworthy and uncomfortable while trying my best in working. 

After that, I decided to go to Seoul and booked the ticket. 

On the weekend right before the trip to Seoul, I told my mom that I have had hand tremors. 

So we searched for reasons about it on the spot and found 'hyperthyroidism'.

The term sounded so unfamiliar that I had to google it deeper.

And I figured out I have had almost all the symptoms mentioned.

The next day, I got diagnosed with severe hyperthyroidism with the result of a blood test, which was three times more than the normal result. 

In Seoul, I had to go to ER twice at night in a row.

I felt like I want to end everything as I have never felt that kind of burden and fear.

My heartbeat and blood pressure were recorded as seriously higher than normal.

I never thought it was a problem whenever I felt my heart loudly pounding as I lie down on serene nights. 

My heart was intentionally telling me something is wrong. That my body is making my heart burdened and anxious. And I was never all ears on that.

However, the medicine worked so well thankfully.

It surprisingly soothed the psychological worries that hassled me for a long time.

Every book and lecture I perused for my mental health didn't work instantly.

But as soon as I listened to my body and gave what it needed the most, 

I became more stable and way less anxious.

Sensitivity, overthinking, anxiety, irritation, inattention, indescribable fears, and depression had haunted me from time to time, but most of them vanished to nowhere. 

I was not allowed to work or exercise by a doctor.

But thanks to that, I was able to spend the longest time with my mother ever in my life.

By eating healthier and more nutritious food, I regained the weight I lost due to illness.

Nevertheless, I heard other bad news.

Taking the regular blood test, I decided to have other parts such as vitamins or cancers checked through the test. 

And the next day of the test, I got a phone call from the doctor saying that I have to visit an obstetrics right away. 

He told me the reason the next morning, which was that I have a higher result of ovarian cancer than normal. 

During the next month, taking an ultrasound test and another after the next period, I suffered. 

Cancer never was seen as my story.

But life shouted at me that "it can be!"

I realized how much anguish the cancer patients could feel.

Fortunately again, it was confirmed that lumps in my ovarian are harmless and too small to remove.

My appetite came back.

And I had to admit how much I disregarded all the blessings, abilities, and opportunities freely given by God without any qualification. How vulnerable humans can be. How nothing we might be able to do.

And recently, I felt a bit more fatigued and symptoms came back more than usual.

I went to see a doctor again to take a blood test for my thyroid.

And the result told me that my thyroid is getting better than before but the problem is my liver.

Even though I barely drink, for some reason, my liver somatic index got doubled than a month before.

Thinking about the reason behind it with the doctor, I realized taking vitamin pills that are grinded and mixed with yogurt drink can be toxic for the liver. 

I felt unfair and depressed to have had several bad news from doctors several times this year.

Notwithstanding my negative feelings,

when they were gone in no time,

I began to hold gratefulness again tightly.

I used to have questions and suppositions of "what if"s in a negative way.

But I started to have positive "what-if"s.

What if I didn't decide to take blood tests?

What if I could not meet the kind doctors at the right time?

What if I ended up going abroad and figured out I need special treatment?

What if I didn't feel and notice the messages my body was trying to deliver silently but loudly?

Eventually, almost half of 2023 was not filled with such saddening and distressing moments,

but was overflowing with all the grace and support from my dear God Father, family, and friends who have been always the same in backing me up whenever I need. 

Besides physical hardships, I also had mental breakdowns from relationships.

I have admitted that I am gullible and easy to find good sides rather than bad ones.

Seeing potential and positivity in others used to be my strength.

But speaking of trust, I should have been more careful and suspicious.

I learned how people can fake themselves for their bad intentions and merits.

Actions speak louder than words.

I should have taken that piece of advice from history more seriously.

However, I experienced how much love and help I can get from my people when I'm desperate.

And that gave me the courage and energy not to give up on myself when I had no idea of what to do in seconds or minutes due to both physical and psychological attacks coming simultaneously.

I might have blamed myself harshly as I was being too naive.

But I came to the conclusion that I cannot change my core disposition, capturing beautiful sides in others and the world.

The thing is to have that capability with wisdom to listen to my logic and rationality at the same time.

This is not the end of my story.

I'm always on the journey of being closer to God's intentions and expectations slowly but steadily until I spend the last second on earth.

The period I expected to have the most boring, unproductive, and empty time,

it was the right time for me to fill in blank spaces with new changes worthy of abandoning my old self.

Being changed in many ways, 

some subtle trivial changes also have amused me.

Different taste in music.

Different ways of making friends.

Different preferences for people I want to spend time with.

Different emotions I have in spending time alone and doing nothing special.

Different styles of clothes and leisure I began to enjoy.

Different interests in movies such as watching horror movies.

Different understanding of my mother as I have spent lots of time with her and shared our weaknesses together.

Different points of view in planning and looking forward to the future as I came to comprehend that relaxation with flexibility can work the best in many cases in life when I feel powerless facing the majestic and unpredictable sides of life, which can actually bring the utmost beauty with those traits.

And in the ending phase of those changes, 

I was informed that I am selected as a Fulbrighter. 

That I will work and study at Syracuse University with a significant scholarship.

The good news thrilled me shortly.

But that pleasure lasted short.

Then I realized.

What I longed for before was the changes in situations based on my plans and expectations.

But what makes me truly consent and happy for a far longer time was the changes in myself.

Changes in my identity, character, personality, vulnerability, and wisdom cannot be taken away by others or circumstances. Once they are molded, it rarely vanishes.

It stays longer. 

It marks and makes stains that even make a crucial influence on others who need similar changes.

Inspirations and changes spark another.

Although changes seem delayed and backward,

they actually look like spring that has continually gone upward,

spinning around its position that was seen as stagnant spots unless we change our perspectives.

Changes will never cease unless I stay safe and far from reflections and modifications.

Changes can arise no matter what situations come around as all we need to be changed is changes of viewing ourselves, others, and the outer world.

In the phase of a big step toward a totally new environment and experience,

I mutter all my courage and expectancy about all the changes inside me throughout the new journey.

How would I be next year?

What would my ambitions be like next summer?

Whom would I spend quality time with love next romantic season?

All I expect is changes.

May the changes in me bring about good changes in people through God's plans.