To Angel, commemorating you (~ May 2023)

 

To Angel

commemorating you (~ May 2023)

On the first day we met, 

May 16,

you gracefully and adorably showed your belly and rubbed your tail on my legs.

I was more than happy to be showered by your adoration. 

Even though it was the first time, 

I had an instant feeling that we would get along well with each other.

I named you Angel.

Because you had these wing-shaped patterns on your shoulders. 

But not only because of that,

you came to me as an Angel because I was being scared of going home late at night after working as a part-timer starting that week. 

You made my way home a playground I can hang out with you. 

The next day, I met you again.

I tried to look into your eyes as cats converse through their eyes, they say.

And you remembered me.

I overjoyed.

I liked your long white whiskers when you look at the side.

I fell in love with your spot on head as its shape exactly looks like a heart. 

Whenever I stroked your head, back, and wherever I could, 

I was able to see your little heart toward me and your eyes half-closed.

When I stroked your jaw, your tiny head was leaning backward with your eyes closed

and it felt really soft. 

On the 19th and 21st, I intentionally headed to your area to meet you. 

You were there.

Sometimes you weren't.

So it felt like a huge luck to be able to encounter you.

But I was very concerned about you after I was told that my friend noticed that other cats in your family were killed by someone before. 

I remembered your family members as I once hung out with all for a long with a straw. 

Maybe you might have been the one who was the most playful and amiable. 

What if the one hurts you too...

I was seriously worried so I wanted to see if you are alright every night. 

I loved that you were loved by many strangers.

A couple, one of who approached you squeaking and saying "So cuuuuute".

A middle school student, who came to me asking if he can pet you. 

An owner of the near pizza place, who you always followed and meowed telling something to him.

An owner of another near fish shop, who told me that he tries to give you fish secretly as his wife doesn't like you. 

A kid from the pizza place guy, who talked to me that your mother left home to a near mountain and became an adventurer and took many pictures of you saying "I have to take pictures! So lovely". 

Other than the people above, 

many people will cherish you as a delightful heavenly friend who always welcomed strangers and did not hesitate to be a friend to them. 

I have never cared for a street cat this much before.

I have never loved and been loved by a cat I ran into randomly.

And I have never felt this intense sorrow as you are forever gone. 

I wasn't able to see you for a long time, a few weeks.

I was always trying to find you near the pizza place, under the cars, and on the corner. 

You weren't there, but I thought you must have moved to another place or slept somewhere. 

The last time I saw you, I couldn't stroke you that much.

Because of this stupid reason...

You were joyfully playing with a cockroach.

I was waiting for you but you never stopped.

I was startled by the situation but in no time I thought it was so funny and cute.

But I was not able to touch you as you were so focused on your play. 

Now that I regret that I didn't buy you more delicious snacks or pat you more that night.

This is just too unpredictable and bitter farewell that I want to deny. 

I will never be able to appreciate your one-of-a-kind spots and traits.

Heart on your head.

Wings on your shoulder.

Three tiny spots under your left nose hole.

Soft furs under your jaw.

Golden eyes with big pupils.

Whiskers like harp strings.

Long and slim legs that were always moving like a curious kid.

A black lengthy tail that was never turning into attack mode.

You will always be this one and only special Angel to me.

I wish I was able to understand what you were saying before when you meowed and cried.

Were you missing your friend and family who left you earlier than you expected?

I sincerely believe you must have met your dear people already 

in heaven where no one will harm or hurt you for no reason.

The world was too brutal and broken to embrace your beauty purely. 

Please remember that even though you could not live as long as possible here with unceasing threats of people, cars, and other cats, many people felt euphoria and serenity thanks to your generous loving nature. 

I cried out loud on the way back home after I was told that you have gone for three weeks now. 

I desperately wish to pat you again, knowing that we are going to be apart from each other.

But I know I cannot and I won't forever. 

That is killing me so hard.

You are still vivid to me.

I don't think I will ever be able to have a big rapport with a cat like we had. 

You know, I have a cat allergy pretty severely.

I even had allergic reactions every day I pat you. 

Once you scratched my hands while playing, it was pretty bad but I was foolishly pleased that you made the cool scars, X-shaped. 

Although I had to go see a doctor after that day. 

You taught me how to open up and relish the openness of a cat's heart. 

Allergy was never a barrier.

I do not know exactly how you were ended. 

But hope you did not feel too scared and lonely.

It must have been painful.

I wish I were able to hold you and stay next to you at the last moment.

I apologize for this cruelty of a world that people just overlook and consider "inevitable".

You are a forever Angel to me.

I will reminisce and treasure the memories of you

and later on

if I am lucky to have another friend near my place,

I will be his/her best friend again,

taking care and spending time with, 

thinking about what you have given to me. 

Angel, I will not cry too much again. 

I will rather feel grateful and happy again for I am lucky to have you. 

This friendship will be everlasting.

Someday, when I finally go home like you did, 

please recognize me and come to me with the ability to communicate with me without reserve.

You seem you have difficulty viewing things clearly.

But you must have regained the capability to look at all the beautiful things crystal-clearly.

So you should identify who I am even far distance.

Run toward me with your legs without any burdens.

Then I will joyfully chat with you for days and years.

I will pat you softly and unceasingly.