Dreams

 

Dreams

Would you stop appearing in my dreams? 

Rarely, did we enjoy moments in the fantasy land without any chains of reality or distance.

Frequently, I had similar feelings from this reality, which is not fair to have in dreams that should not be nearer to the land I step on when I wake up. 

In that case, I used to feel sorrowful, lost, anxious, jealous, or confused about your existence. 

In the beginning, I tended to get angry even though I dreamt about having good times with you, as it felt like a very mean prank that I encountered by someone who wanted to mock my love. 

But I think I was just being naive and arrogant in front of the mercy and generosity of dreams. 

Now that I cannot relish what I used to have with you in random dreams with pure euphoria. Dreams became more like nightmares.

Once I realize it was the dream that you were the main character in, I come to reflect on what I felt and conclude it was not that different from reality.

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However, recently, thanks to a kind stranger who was able to deeply comprehend and interpret my unsolved desire and agony, I decided to let go of all my unhealthy feelings toward you. 

To sincerely and truly stay lovable and respectful to you, I have to be independent. 

I began to digest my greed to make you think of me in any way.

I muttered the courage to recognize that we are meant to be done and you are worthy of being loved by someone else. 

It has worked.

I began to think about you less and less.

I even barely looked at the pictures and videos we took.

I did not send you any messages with trivial or serious topics.

But why am I still dreaming about you?

It's a bit killing me because I feel like I cannot control my brain, instinct, or unconsciousness.

I want to prove even from my dreams that I am moving on. 

That is why I am begging you here on this white page that I can type whatever I want because those words will never reach out to you. 

On the other hand, I want to stop writing about you. 

Nevertheless, sadly, I have to admit you are 99% of my writing sources and inspirations as you made me feel 99% of what humans can feel through love. 

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A third of 2023 has passed so far.

Too many struggles I had to confront and endure. 

When my heart was ripped and my body was ruined,

I desperately wanted you to feel my pain so that you can worry about me as usual. 

But I have to accept that you don't have to be told whether I am well or unwell. 

Even though you do miss me or feel curious about my life,

I should let your thoughts just float around and vanish in the air with imagination and longing.

I often told you that whenever you feel lonely and empty, keep in mind that there will be always someone who will pray for you, root for you, and love you til the end. 

I meant it with all my heart.

I want it to be your last memory of me.

Luckily, I still remember many things you said when I was so under the weather. 

I still have what I felt in those moments you took care of me.

If I have another urge to tell you about my hardships,

I will just ruminate on the treasured words.

To be independent.

I will become better.

Stronger physically.

Solider mentally.

Sounder psychologically.

If I come to be a better person,

I will naturally notice someone great who is suitable for the better me.

Then I would not have to worry about the difficulty of letting you go.

Because in that phase, you would be already absorbed into me as a motivation to be better.

Being absorbed stands for...

Invisible.

Untouchable.

By being merged.

No need to hear or touch to feel.

Always stay together. 

Serenity between two souls.

Complete forgiveness and freedom.

Being miraculously ordinary.

Then I would not feel any bitterness even in my dreams of you.

Therefore, what I need to do is not "let you go",

but "make you absorbed into me".

I do not deny your existence in the part of me that is unerasable.

I do not oppose your freedom, either think of me or not, love me or not, and worry about me or not. 

I do not need to scatter current happiness or be in a rush to grab false happiness in the deep well of the bygones. 

I am the only friend who will stay forever with me until I die. 

It means that absorbing you as a part of me is the only way to cherish you as my everlasting friend.

As a team, we will make me happier, healthier, and more mature in love and life.

Without your tangible existence, I have your consolation and influence.

In this new way of viewing you in my life, 

I do not afraid of being lonely or empty from time to time.

All I need to do is talk to myself in a kinder way with a sweeter voice.

If that's awkward or hard, then I will just mimic what you did for me. 

Warm embracement.

Wide acceptance.

Willing love.

Stay alive.

In this way.

Both in my reality

and my dream.