Shape of You

 

Shape of You

Almost always,

we encounter the hit waves of emotions.

As it is said that time is but a river flowing from the past,

time swiped me with the words in the flow of aching ecstasy

that I once owned thanks to the beloved one.

From the journal written on the 21st of June in 2021.

' Again last night, Jose cried saying true happiness is the cause of tears.

And yesterday he told me that he can sacrifice himself for my life.

And today he said, "You should follow your feeling and do what you're good at."

He roots for my vague vision of my future career.

I suddenly felt that God has given me the best of all.

It's true.

Learning opportunities.

The new desire to strive for.

Relationships.

Undeserving love.'

Lately, I've thought that I really truly desperately long to come up with all the memories back then.

I used to write overflowing records of what we experienced and shared on text.

It was such a valuable one-of-a-kind asset for me.

Until I deleted all the writings on my blog the day we ended.

And this evening,

after I finished watching the movie, The Shape of Water, which reminded me of us,

I discovered a notebook that I used as a diary but wrote only two pages. 

I unhesitatingly opened and read.

As soon as I caught the first line,

the scene of the plot sprung up in my mind.

With the scent, touch, and sound of it.

And with the hardly straight script,

which actually proves that I was in a hurry to keep a record of all my feelings in the moments on spot,

it was just too easy not to grasp what I had had.

On a daily basis, there were incidents.

Accidental crash between him and me. 

Two love birds' incessant songs, full of intensified interactions.

Unrefined confessions.

Unstained innocence like four-year-old children with our exclusive jokes and laughter.

Undisturbed serenity like an eighty-year-old married couple from a deeper and deeper understanding of one another. 

Instinctive but the most high-level verbal and nonverbal communication.

.

..

...

In the movie, the love she had was a unique and once-in-a-lifetime blessing.

Just like a so-called destiny, her lifelong vulnerability chained with the revealing scars on her neck

turned out to be her core of next life vitality shaped by breathing gill on the exact same spot. 

They saved each other.

Even though the villain dubbed him as a god last minute,

she was also his goddess by saving him from all the obstacles.

She once suffered from the pain that he is not aware of her love.

How much she loves.

How much she cares for him.

She sang that...

"You'll never know just how much I love you.

You'll never know how much I care.

And if I try I still couldn't hide my love for you.

You ought to know. For heaven told me so.

You went away and my heart went with you.

I speak your name in my every prayer.

If there is some other way to prove that I love you,

I swear I don't know how you'll never know...

If you don't know now."

But as always, love is two-sided if it's true,

He has felt, has embraced, and has replied back.

When in love, we ought to listen more closely but humbly.

Because others but I can hear how much the counterpart loves me.

It just radiates its love.

And in the end,

they gave us the literal happy ending.

Happily ever after.

"If I told you about her, what would I say?

That they lived happily ever after?

I believe they did.

That they were in love,

That they remained in love?

I'm sure that's true.

But when I think of her,

of Elisa,

the only thing that comes to mind is a poem 

whispered by someone in love,

hundreds of years ago.

'Unable to perceive the shape of you.

I find you all around me.

Your presence fills my eyes with your love.

It humbles my heart.

For you are everywhere.'"

The complete happy ending is up to whether they remained in true love or not.

I used to think that I once had that true love but lost it.

But the genuine love with happily ever after is not given to me, yet.

I ought to be more greedy for the promising chance for me and the one.

Love, 

remained forever.

Love, 

shaped like water all around me.

Love, 

being one another's little god in this imperfect world.

I used to dream of a destiny guy 

with a certain personality, appearance, or life values.

But from now on,

I only visualize him as the shape of water.

Him as water...

Water that holds me every which way tightly without exception.

Water that never desiccates despite the barren cracking land we stand.

Water that does not give up on me to make me stay alive, animated, and admirable.