Discouraged

 

Discouraged

There are times when I feel encouraged 

or when I am discouraged. 

Being encouraged, I often sparked my enthusiasm even for others.

Even though I had some petty obstacles (now that I just call it "petty" as it all turned out to be good),

I was grasping the strings of hopes and possibilities and I was recognized as an icon of challenges and dreams.

I was full of ideas and fantasies, 99 percent of which were too ambitious to actualize.

But that imagery world fed me with confidence and expectations about myself and my future.

And it has been pretty much a while to be discouraged with calmness and doubts. 

Hardly having clues when and why I entered the phase of being disheartened,

I slightly and steadily became to live with lethargy and a poker face.

I thought that I am far from pretending, 

but before I knew it,

I had awkward fake smiles and sympathy instinctively. 

I considered myself a talkative people person,

but before I recognized it,

I came to prefer being alone without extra effort to please others or hide my tiredness,

with a bit of annoying emptiness yearning for attention and affection from somebody. 

I was sure that I am walking through the narrow path 

unlike others striding along the broad paths,

then again it seemed that I was treading a fine line. 

I assume that there was one specific incident that must have triggered this huge change in my life. 

But as there is no way for me to swift that transformation,

I am attempting to get along with this discouragement. 

Discouragement means I lack courage, heart, and spirit. 

And I just reframed that definition. 

Discouragement should be seen as the existence of courage, heart, and spirit on another level. 

What is courage?

Being reckless, passionate, and challenging?

Once I have determined that I am now discouraged,

It is one extraordinary step to take the audacity of penetrating my vulnerability.

How can one be so certain about all the steps and chances to take?

Once upon a time, I might have felt the same level of doubts and fears but just suppressed or hid them.

Now that all the bleak and dismal uncertainties and sentimentality float,

and I am not denying them but conceiving them as a part of me. 

That is so-called courage. 

Confronting deeper gloominess.

What on earth is being heartened?

I have no idea what the heart truly is.

But what I can only be sure about is that the heart is not outside but inside.

Back then, when I thought that I was full of plans, goals, and buzz,

it was all about people, the next steps, and circumstances.

And they are all outside. 

Recognition from others.

Next phase to launch and accomplish.

Circumstances to make them point to the direction I yearn for.

However,

in the era of disheartenment,

the inside swirl mutes the outside clamor.

When outside beings no longer attract and enliven me as before,

the majority of energy and concern heads to the inner heart.

Rather than walking on air by remarks or happenings from outside,

I activate the doubting-calculating-agonizing mode. 

In that stage, vital questions arise.

What can I do?

What should I do?

What do I desire?

Where am I heading?

What if I regret it?

Where do I belong?

What do I weigh?

What should I value?

Who am I?

Whom do I want to be with?

Am I doing alright?

Are there any changes I should make?

Why am I this vulnerable and how can I fix it?

All of those crucial what&why& how questions pop up.

Only if I face those overwhelming nonsense queries straight,

this chapter of silence and torpor turns into abiding in the querencia,

where I gain my strength, tenacity, and aspiration.

Last but not least,

there is spirit left.

Personally, I apprehend spirit as a complex of outside and inside beings.

Spirit contains believing in something outside and inside of oneself.

Everyone has their own belief mechanism.

Someone believes in monetary power.

Someone believes in security from family.

Someone believes in one-and-only God.

Someone believes in philosophy or psychology.

Someone believes in one's perception and experience.

And I believe in my God Father, my friendly savior Jesus, and the sympathetic guardian Spirit. 

Of course, people also have their trust in themselves.

Someone trusts one's career and resume.

Someone trusts one's resilience.

Someone trusts one's luck.

Someone trusts one's dream goals.

Someone trusts one's knowledge and competence.

And I trust my enthusiasm, compassion, and uniqueness.

Conversion from being encouraged to discouraged might be reverting
vague beliefs to solid conviction.

In retrospect,

during times of being emboldened,

although I started with great gratitude toward God and firm assurance about my integrity,

I was unknowingly reduced to giving too much credit to what "I did" on my own

with silently growing uncertainty about my one-of-a-kind attributes.

In short,

being embodied in the depth of despair without accustomed passion and vigor

led me to the way back into the recovery of spiritual beliefs.

Therefore,

despite the fact that I cannot assume when and how I can get back to the normal encouraged state of mind

I do not have to feel lost and left behind in terms of discouragement

for the sake of the truth that I never lost my courage, heart, and spirit.

Different kinds of courage, heart, and spirit,

but never something petty and immaterial.

This indispensable transition is called being discouraged.