Yes, I Can't ❤️‍🔥

 

Yes, I can't ❤️‍🔥

Where does it come from to be obsessed with getting all right as we expect from life?

Because every time I start to be blinded, veiled by my plans and anticipations about my days and years,

I begin to be directed to think about what I am lack, rather than what I am holding, 

also reflect the unfavorable odds, voluntarily erasing what I have initially longed for in my life.

 Most people, at least me, are not willing to be questioned and doubted about their life choices. 

Because we feel pressured to persuade a questioner with seemingly fascinating ideas and rationals.

Being vague, or being in the process of searching for the nearer answers in directing one's life 

seems not to be expected or preferred to stand out. 

I've lived with untypical routes and calls as a teacher so far. 

I've taken my own path, refusing to follow the safe standard.

I've never regretted and fortunately, I've also been recognized by others about my bravery and originality.

But now that I'm at a phase to take a responsibility for my finances, relationships, and stability. 

However, the thing is I'm still taking my own unique path. 

I might have already been hired to work as a teacher in a stable workplace,

or might have studied to pass the teacher's certificate test to get hired.

And now that I am taking another challenging course,

which is to work abroad, specifically in America,

as a Korean teacher, obviously not an English teacher,

which means I have to earn credit by fighting tooth and nail to improve my professional. 

So I had an interview for the Fulbright FLTA scholarship this morning. 

I had several burdening mental breakdowns in preparing for the interview, working simultaneously, and having not enough time. 

One of the predictable questions was "why did you apply for this to teach at the university, not in the school?"

And I had prepared several reasons to answer it. 

To gain practical teaching experiences and improve English fluency.

To enjoy being abroad and learn from it, as IPC was too short to enjoy fully. 

Not to regret in the future when I look backward that I lost my opportunity in my twenties. 

To learn how to teach Korean professionally so that I can make my dream come true, making a talent-donating institution to teach multicultural families the Korean language and culture for their well-being. 

To challenge me as I have challenged myself so far in the field of education.

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.

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So I was able to think about the reasons, to be honest, self-justifying my choice. 

But the weird, indescribable, unfulfilled feelings got in my stomach. 

"Is it really what I want the most, my first priority?"

Reflecting on my ultimate life goal, it is all directly or indirectly connected to adolescents. 

So I questioned myself.

"If that is what you have yeared for your entire twenties heading to actualize teaching objectives,

why don't you try figuring out if it is possible or not 

to teach adolescents in America?

If it seems that there are no ways to do that, 

why don't you be a pioneer to make it real 

just like you have done in your life so far?"

I imagine working as a teacher,

who can share life stories and listen to adolescents' one-of-a-kind stories sincerely, 

who can make an impact in their lives by teaching through my integrity and identity, 

who can improve my fluency and teaching skills at the same time abroad. 

When life tries to trip me up, 

I usually feel offended, discouraged, and disappointed.

But every time I try to decode what life intended to bring to me,

I realize it desperately wanted to make me enlightened. 

If I keep making mistakes with the myth that I can control my life,

I forget that I am deceiving myself,

and beyond my capacity and capability,

an unexpectedly colorful inspiring wonderful journey of insights and experiences lies.

So I should accept, remember, and apply the facts,

1. I can't control what life will bring to me

2. I can't expect what life is holding for me

3. I can't estimate what life expects from me 

4. I can't assume what I am eager to earn is better than upcoming life steps

5. I can't be certain about when and where I would be and what I would do

On the other hand, 

1. I can pray for the ability to discern what I can change and cannot change in life

2. I can do my best and believe that He will do the rest

3. I can remember the past steps that I did not deserve but earned by grace 

4. I can look forward to the beauty of unpredictable encounters with people and places

5. I can listen to people who trust my credit and efforts, blocking my inner negative whispers

The bottom line is...

If you ask if I am determined to make my goals actualized,

I would like to say YES!

But if you add the question of whether I am confident to actualize my plans, 

I would willingly say that I CAN'T!! 

Finally, if you say it seems paradoxical,

I would sincerely say that

the only thing I can do is not give up my ultimate flag to reach,

and the only thing I should give up is trying to control and know the steps toward that flag in advance.

To myself, and random readers,

if you feel like you cannot do anything with miserable pessimistic pain,

just declare that "I can't!!".

Then one day you will realize 

it actually leads you not to helplessness, 

but to liberty, courage, and aplomb.

Which were exactly what you needed desperately.

Don't force yourself to gain confidence by misleading yourself that "I can do it" even if you can't do it.