Be sympathetic, not empathetic

Be sympathetic, not empathetic.

There is a student in my class.

15 years old,

a boy

, who should have been more childish, feisty, energetic, and cheerful. 

, who might have puberty, a turbulent stage of life.

But he has seemed more or less

helpless, timid, quiet, diffident, and depressed.

He barely spelled a word with confidence.

When he gets a chance to say something, he seems hesitating.

Chocked by a big candy that he cannot swallow, 

he seemed clearly painful. 

So far, I have met him for approximately three months.

And thankfully he has changed a lot compared to the previous state of mind he used to have. 

Just like God made things go with his own plan,

we have had several opportunities to be in the class without any other students.

I have used poems, songs, videos, and storytelling as class materials.

For me, it is called "Class-Head Teaching", meaning to begin the class with certain material that can motivate students' ardor for study, facilitate genuine communication between people, lead us to reflect by sharing each other's thoughts and feelings, and ultimately can impact positively on students' lives in some ways, teacher's either. 

And he has shared many stories about his life itself, including how he handles daily situations with chronic negative ways of thinking. 

For example,

he is not willing to laugh freely because he is afraid of others laughing at him 

if he laughs at something.

He even feels threatened that people will look down on him based on his appearance.

So he suppresses the burst of laughter or pretends to laugh to be "normal" like others.

Hearing his deepest heart that might have felt stifled so many times made me feel instantly pitiful and heavy-hearted.

In three seconds, I desperately desired to say something to reassure him and change his mind toward the brighter direction that he surely deserves, but it is always not easy.

I came up with some ideas and feelings to share and told him that it is understandable to think that way but it is absolutely not true in most cases. 

After an elaborate further conversation, one silly but the serious idea popped up.

I brought him a piece of paper and recommended he write down all the negative whispers in his head that he has held in his lifetime. 

Writing all the sentences, I began to read each sentence with him and refute each detail with my perspective and experience. 

As it was the first time for him to share that wandering but unrelenting thoughts,

it was obvious that he has never been refuted by another person.

After the strange but kind of ridiculous comments from me, 

I told him that you should tear the paper up.

He looked at me with a startled face and I started giggling.

 I turned on the music and started to cheer him up, saying 

"You can do it! Tear it up! Make it pieces!"

While he really did it, 

he also started to crack up and it made me laugh more.

"Hey! Remember this! 

As you started to laugh, it made me laugh more and feel blissful.

I think I can even weep for joy! 

It means that your laughter can make somebody laugh along and even feel happy. 

From now on, when you want to laugh, keep in mind that fact about you and me. "

And here goes another episode.

Today, I showed him a TED video, "Your body language may shape who you are".

There was an intended motivation for me to use that particular video.

That's because he always has had the posture, hunching, lowering his head and hands, and making him smaller. 

To make a summary, the video tells us that your body language, such as facial expressions and postures, can affect not only what others think about you but also how you think about yourself. 

According to a few experiments, it is proved that maintaining high-power postures for two minutes can change your hormone levels of testosterone and cortisol, which take part in one's power and willingness to show one's ability with less stress and pressure. 

The speaker delivers the message that if you feel that "I'm not supposed to be here, I'm not enough." you may as well try faking yourself that YOU DESERVE and you can handle it with the aids in the changes of body language. Then you will figure out that time and effort will lead you to see yourself truly becoming the very being that one desired to be. 

So I recommended that he try this life heck to feel more confident so that he can display his own potential that might have been hidden by old discouraging self-talk. 

And without expectation, he talked in undertones that "I'm afraid that if I become self-confident as the speaker said for real, then I might become selfish and not help others."

I had a short blank mind and tried hard to find out what to say to make him not offended but persuaded.

I don't remember exactly what I said at that moment, but what I can remember clearly is that I told him 

"I can see that you are even being doubtful about yourself with negative assumptions toward yourself, which I can surely understand. 

But you know what? 

Even if you think that way, 

I have discovered and felt that 

you are a person who is diligent, listening, considerate, kind, steady, and most importantly,

full of a variety of potentials and worths. 

I can just see and feel that. 

I hope you can come up with my ideas as you feel a lack of confidence about yourself from now on."

I was not prepared, not as logical or persuasive as I wished.

But I was trying my best to be sympathetic, not empathetic.

Not being absorbed into his thoughts and feelings that will draw me to the grieve and frustration,

but being attentive and rational enough to give a new point of view for him to shift his old habits, thinking inertia. 

And I will never forget his eyes full of attention, emotions, and insights

as I struggled but sincerely said what I cautiously but confidently delivered to him.

I might want to blame the face mask that hid his whole emotions that must have been reflected on his face, but it was enough to feel his shock, as I expected.

Because it seemed that he has not been told that kind of remark. 

At the beginning of my teaching career and meeting new students constantly,

I was more of being empathetic when I heard their turbulent life stories.

I remembered that I was even crying along when my student cried in front of me. 

Back then, I was not doubting or trying to fix that to be a better teacher. 

I thought crying along with the student might help him/her recover. 

But looking backward with what I have learned and experienced with insight,

I realized that I need to be sympathetic.

Not taking the emotional burdens voluntarily, which will make it harder to be a calm and wise listener,

keeping distance with deep understanding to touch both students' hearts and mind is crucial for a teacher's role. 

To become a better counselor, 

I make sure again to be a lifelong learner to be a balanced and reasonable counterpart so that students can not only take a rest with me but also be enlightened by inspirational, forward-looking, and heart-warming truths that were too hard to be heard in their lives.