The ambivalence between happiness and fears

 The ambivalence between happiness and fears

In reality, sometimes unreal situations and people come into my life. 

Describing something unreal can be about something either marvelous or destructive. 

Everyone easily recognizes that confronting destructive unpredictability can be a life-threatening tragedy. 

But do they all agree that coming across unrealistic happiness suddenly can lead to an unknown, indescribable concern and anxiety?

In the unceasing changes in the boundaries in the relationships,

we often experience a lot of 'come and go's.

Something or someone comes, 

and we expect them to be steady, or even eternal.

And then late or not, it vanishes,

leading us to another level of pain in losing the world 

that was once a part of one's world

and makes us keep drawing the new boundaries broader or narrower.

The process of erasing the lines of the relationship world willingly or especially unwillingly 

can be sometimes a trigger of feeling intolerable, undeserved, desperate, or helpless.

As the trials and errors get stacked on the shelves of life experiences,

we become vulnerable and cautious 

when we meet the opportunity of feeling merry and beloved again unexpectedly.

We literally become ambivalent 

between the two feelings

: To desire to enjoy the euphoria with the anticipation of getting intimate 

or to worry about what I might feel disappointed in or heartbroken if things become changed.

If I should embrace the new opportunity to explore an untouched world from a new person,

which is possible to become one of my priorities with appreciation.

Or If I need to be a bit vigilant to figure out who he is not to get burnt as I had in the past,

which left an unremovable scar, so that I can be prepared for discouraging situations?

Feeling ambivalent means... feeling

Delighted, but doubtful.

Touched, but tentative.

Absorbed, but afraid.

Grateful, but gloomy.

Imaginative, but impugning.

Reassured, but reluctant.

Mesmerized, but melancholy.

Promised, but pessimistic.

Hopeful, but helpless.

Focusing on only one feeling makes me anxious with the question,

"what if I make the wrong choice?

Either losing the chance or regretting the call."

And...

I remind myself of the necessary way of viewing myself. 

To be objective about what I think, feel, and react. 

To articulate and name each of them talking inside of me. 

Then I cannot help but embrace the fact that I am feeling ambivalent!

But the difference is, 

there is no need to make it straight and determined.

I would rather need just accept what I feel 

no matter how it is good or bad. 

Time will show me the best call.

The one that I should keep in mind is "DON'T BE IN A RUSH!"

If I get too absorbed and obsessed with having a solid decision and figuring out the consequences of it, 

I would lose my balance in life.

As there are crucial priorities in various areas,

I need to moderately keep an eye on the pros and cons 

that can be ultimately complementary and beneficial 

for me to stay in a balanced lifestyle and mutual well-being,

without ruining each other's boundaries of self-world. 

But as long as I put my effort and be sincere with genuineness in the process,

no matter what happens in the future,

I might despair about the outcome,

but I would not regret about the process, which is the purpose and major in life.